It's the most wonderful time of the year
Dec. 5th, 2011 10:51 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
nicevenn1.
Those of you who were around this parts early this spring might recall that it was a turbulent time for me. At the time I was devastated about how horribly wrong things had gone, and I thought my fanfic life was over. I spent the next few months taking a look at my inner life, because there wasn't much I could do about my outer life and, as a result, I've changed more drastically than I ever have before. I realized that the LJ events of the spring were actually a blessing in disguise.
I realized two things. The first was that it was a mistake to have made my idea of success as a writer on the numbers of comments and recs, etc. I'd been doing that since I started writing fanfic, and I always thought that if I got as many comments as so-and-so or if so-and-so would just rec my fic," I would finally feel like a success. Well, I eventually wrote a fic that did receive x number of comments, and was recced by more than one so-and-so. I was thrilled. But what happened after that? I crashed--hard. Because there were more fics that weren't quite as successful, my comms fests weren't being pimped as much as some others, and there were still a few so-and-sos that weren't acknowledging my existence.
The lesson I learned from this is that if I seek validation from others in order to feel good about myself, I'm only setting myself up for disappointment. People have lives, their interests and preferences can change from day to day, and there will always be someone out there who is better and/or more popular.
The other thing I realized -- and this one was more life-changing -- was that I wasn't just placing my happiness in other people's hands where fanfic or writing was concerned. I was doing it in just about every area of my life. I was constantly unhappy because things didn't work out with this particular guy, or because a friend didn't act the way I thought he/she should in a certain situation, or because my parents didn't agree with me about something. The list could go on and on.
Of course, I knew all these things before. People always said "write because you like it" or "love yourself, first." I read these things in books. In some ways, they even made sense. But I guess I just wasn't ready to adopt those philosophies. I couldn't have, even if I wanted to. But after what happened here this spring, I didn't really have a choice -- at least as far as fanfic was concerned. I'd turned so many people against me that I'd never completely redeem myself. So, I was left with two choices: quit or write for myself and view any recognition simply as a bonus.
Whereas one day this kind of attitude seemed impossible to adopt, one day things just clicked. It was as if I'd finally found a missing piece of a puzzle. Since then I've been a much happier person, both on LJ and off. And this is what I'll be most grateful for this Christmas.
2. I am so late in posting my Christmas wishlist, but I can't waste a perfectly good opportunity to get some smexy gifts.
1. H/D fic, art, icons, or anything really. If you want prompts, you can check out this post, because I still really, really want that. Also, anything involving snow or storms or starry skies.
2. Thor/Loki. I'm quickly becoming obsessed with this pairing!
3. V-gifts.
3. I'm going green this Christmas, so if you'd like an e-card, leave your email here or PM me with it.
4. I have Thor icons for you. I'm crossing over to the dark side and intend on taking as many of you as I can with me.
Those of you who were around this parts early this spring might recall that it was a turbulent time for me. At the time I was devastated about how horribly wrong things had gone, and I thought my fanfic life was over. I spent the next few months taking a look at my inner life, because there wasn't much I could do about my outer life and, as a result, I've changed more drastically than I ever have before. I realized that the LJ events of the spring were actually a blessing in disguise.
I realized two things. The first was that it was a mistake to have made my idea of success as a writer on the numbers of comments and recs, etc. I'd been doing that since I started writing fanfic, and I always thought that if I got as many comments as so-and-so or if so-and-so would just rec my fic," I would finally feel like a success. Well, I eventually wrote a fic that did receive x number of comments, and was recced by more than one so-and-so. I was thrilled. But what happened after that? I crashed--hard. Because there were more fics that weren't quite as successful, my comms fests weren't being pimped as much as some others, and there were still a few so-and-sos that weren't acknowledging my existence.
The lesson I learned from this is that if I seek validation from others in order to feel good about myself, I'm only setting myself up for disappointment. People have lives, their interests and preferences can change from day to day, and there will always be someone out there who is better and/or more popular.
The other thing I realized -- and this one was more life-changing -- was that I wasn't just placing my happiness in other people's hands where fanfic or writing was concerned. I was doing it in just about every area of my life. I was constantly unhappy because things didn't work out with this particular guy, or because a friend didn't act the way I thought he/she should in a certain situation, or because my parents didn't agree with me about something. The list could go on and on.
Of course, I knew all these things before. People always said "write because you like it" or "love yourself, first." I read these things in books. In some ways, they even made sense. But I guess I just wasn't ready to adopt those philosophies. I couldn't have, even if I wanted to. But after what happened here this spring, I didn't really have a choice -- at least as far as fanfic was concerned. I'd turned so many people against me that I'd never completely redeem myself. So, I was left with two choices: quit or write for myself and view any recognition simply as a bonus.
Whereas one day this kind of attitude seemed impossible to adopt, one day things just clicked. It was as if I'd finally found a missing piece of a puzzle. Since then I've been a much happier person, both on LJ and off. And this is what I'll be most grateful for this Christmas.
2. I am so late in posting my Christmas wishlist, but I can't waste a perfectly good opportunity to get some smexy gifts.
1. H/D fic, art, icons, or anything really. If you want prompts, you can check out this post, because I still really, really want that. Also, anything involving snow or storms or starry skies.
2. Thor/Loki. I'm quickly becoming obsessed with this pairing!
3. V-gifts.
3. I'm going green this Christmas, so if you'd like an e-card, leave your email here or PM me with it.
4. I have Thor icons for you. I'm crossing over to the dark side and intend on taking as many of you as I can with me.
