nicevenn | Harry and Draco: The Owner's Guide and Operating Manual

Title: Harry and Draco: The Owner's Guide and Operating Manual
Author:

nicevennn
Rating: PG-13
Beta:

nursedarry
Disclaimer: Harry and Draco are the property of J.K. Rowling. No copyright infringement is intended.
A/N: This was written as a gift for everyone's at

hd_seasons Stocking Stuffer exchange. Credit for the idea, as well as the template, goes to Theresa Green, author of the original Owner's Guide series in the LOTR fandom. Problem #2 in the troubleshooting was written by

valinorean (with a few edits) in response to her stocking.

Congratulations!

You are now a lucky owner of the limited edition Slashy Wizards™ HARRY POTTER and DRACO MALFOY. Thank you for your purchase. May your wizards provide you with many years of quality entertainment.

Please follow the guidelines below to ensure that you get the most out of your HARRY and DRACO.

Technical Specifications

DRACO MALFOY

Blood purity: Pure-blood

Site of Manufacture: Wiltshire, England

Height: 5'8"

Weight: 145 lbs

Length: known only to HARRY POTTER

Hair: White-blond

Eyes: Grey

HARRY POTTER

Blood purity: Half-blood

Site of Manufacture: Godric's Hollow, England

Height: 5'6"

Weight: 130 lbs

Length: known only to DRACO MALFOY

Hair: raven-black

Eyes: emerald-green

Installation

Upon receiving your HARRY and DRACO, open their boxes and allow them to come out on their own. DO NOT try to remove their robes or touch them for any reason, as this might trigger a potentially violent display of possessiveness. (This reaction is normal.)

Your HARRY and DRACO should arrive fully charged and powered up. To ensure optimal performance, check that they have arrived with all the necessary accessories (see below).

Accessories

- two brooms (one Firebolt and one Nimbus 2001)
- one Snitch
- two full Quidditch uniforms
- two wands
- one Marauders' Map
- two Gringotts vault keys
- one French maid costume (this is in case your DRACO suffers from the Fifi malfunction. This is common in the DRACO unit, and will be explained in more detail in the 'Troubleshooting' section.)*
- one Sword of Gryffindor **

* In case your DRACO does not suffer from the Fifi malfunction, you will want to provide a safe place to burn the French maid outfit, such as a fireplace or a large cauldron. DRACO will attempt to dispose of it immediately.

** You likely will not find this item in the box. It appears at random to HARRY when he is in need of it.

Uses

In addition to providing you with live porn, HARRY and DRACO have been designed to perform quality service around your home and garden (if you can convince them to get their hands out of each other's trousers for a few minutes). There are 69 such uses. For example:

Repairing furniture:

Has that broken cabinet door been grating on your nerves? No problem! Cabinets in particular are DRACO's specialty. Send him over to the broken item, and he'll fix it in no time. If he refuses to obey, threaten him by saying you will search out and inflict great damage upon any and all LUCIUS and NARCISSA MALFOY.

Ridding your garden of gnomes:

HARRY is an expert at this. If your garden is heavily infested, you might want to contact the owner of a RON WEASLEY unit and ask if she would allow him to assist your HARRY for a day. These two make an excellent gnome-fighting team.

* The DRACO MALFOY and RON WEASLEY units are highly incompatible. DO NOT leave them alone without HARRY.

Finding lost jewelry:

This is another one of HARRY'S specialties. If you've already looked everywhere for your jewelry item and have had no luck finding it, ask your HARRY for help. Describe the item in as much detail as possible (a photograph or replica would be helpful), then tell him it's a Horcrux.

*Harry will try to destroy the item. To prevent this, make sure he is not in possession of any basilisk fangs or the Sword of Gryffindor.

Befriending tormented ghosts:

DRACO does not feel comfortable sharing his worries and insecurities with other people. Dead people, however, don't count. He'll confide in them, and once they think they've made a friend, they may just leave you alone.

Cleaning

Due to the frequency of sexual activity between these units, your HARRY and DRACO will require regular showers and/or baths. You need not concern yourself with this. Simply provide them with a wide selection of bubble baths, shower gels, oils, and loofahs, and let them know that they are free to use the restroom as often as they like.

You might often hear moans and groans coming from the bathroom while it is occupied by HARRY and DRACO. This is entirely normal. Do not barge in and interrupt. They need some privacy from time to time. If you simply must watch, consider installing a hidden video camera.

*Note: Make sure to buy high-quality, expensive bath products. HARRY won’t mind cheaper brands, but DRACO will refuse to use them, and may even throw a temper tantrum if he finds nothing suitable to use in the bath or shower.

Lubrication

To ensure that your HARRY and DRACO remain in good working order, moving parts should be lubricated regularly. Again, all you need to do is provide the lubricant. HARRY and DRACO will take care of the rest.

Recharging

Depending on the frequency of sexual activity between your HARRY and DRACO units at any given time, they will require varying amounts of food, drink, and sleep.

Food:

HARRY and DRACO will enjoy hearty meals such as eggs and bacon, steak and kidney pie, pot roast, jacket potatoes, etc. Both units will expect dessert. Treacle tart, trifle, or ice cream will usually satisfy.

Sweets: HARRY and DRACO will buy these on their own during their periodic trips to Hogsmeade or Diagon Alley, because your Muggle sweets simply will not do.

HARRY will bring home bags of chocolate frogs, pumpkin pasties, licorice wands, etc. DRACO has a more refined taste, and will return with toffees, caramels, and assorted truffles. It is important that you DO NOT try and steal any of their sweets, as they will require the extra sugar for their nightly activities. If you are lucky, HARRY might offer you a special treat on occasion.

Drink:

Be sure to keep an adequate supply of pumpkin juice, tea, and fine wine. HARRY and DRACO will also order butterbeer and Firewhisky to the house regularly.

Sleep:

HARRY will make due with whatever sleeping arrangement is provided, but DRACO will insist on a comfortable mattress, down pillows and the finest quality sheets. Do not try to trick him into sleeping in sheets with a thread count under 400. He will know.

* During periods of intense sexual activity (e.g. during Quidditch season), HARRY and DRACO won't be getting enough zzzzs, and will therefore need more food and drink for energy.

Frequently Asked Questions

Q: Can I take Harry and Draco on holiday with me?

A: Only if you're willing to spend $$$ on a five-star resort. HARRY might suggest going camping, but DRACO will squash the idea immediately.

Q: Draco is demanding that I purchase six more HARRYs. Should I do so?

A: Absolutely not! Seven HARRYs might sound like fun to DRACO, but they would wear him out quickly. One HARRY should be enough to satisfy your DRACO. If Harry isn't performing his duties adequately (or at all), suggest that DRACO briefly switch to Fifi mode or get a small serpent tattoo.

Q: I refused to purchase six HARRYs, and now DRACO is offering to brew a batch of Polyjuice Potion so that I can be a second HARRY for an hour or two. I'm very tempted. Is it all right to accept his offer?

A: Do so only at your own risk. DRACO's potion-making skills aren't nearly as good as he and SNAPE would have you believe.

Q: What should I do if my HARRY and DRACO start fighting?

A: The best you can do let them know that you've replenished your supply of whipped cream and chocolate syrup. If that doesn't work – well, make sure to duck if hexes start flying.

Troubleshooting

Problem: DRACO is sneaking around the house and HARRY is following him, Marauders' Map in hand, and whispering something that sounds like "… up to no good."

Solution: Your units have accidentally switched to canon mode. Nothing good will come of this. Switch them make to Fanon mode as soon as possible.

Problem: I tried your suggestion under "Cleaning" and installed a hidden video camera in the bathroom. My HARRY and DRACO units have discovered it and are now demanding that I install more of them all over the house and keep a record of their videos (my DRACO unit insists that the videos should arranged in chronological order and tagged appropriately by kink, paraphernalia, and location). I may have created a monster.

Solution: There is no harm in installing the cameras. If you're on a budget, you may find that DRACO is willing to pitch in for the purchase of the cameras. If you are against the idea (what is wrong with you?!), simply distract HARRY and DRACO with lots of new toys. A gift certificate to an online adult store will work magic.

Problem: DRACO has purchased a BMW and taken up golf!

Solution: Your DRACO has probably heard about TOM FELTON and is having a mild identity crisis. Remind him that he is a wizard. (Use of the word 'Mudblood' seems to help.) If all else fails, contact an owner of a LUCUIS unit and ask if she would allow him to have a talk with your DRACO.

Problem: HARRY has taken up singing and developed an obsession with horses. His vocabulary has also become much more complex. A couple of words he's used recently had me reaching for the dictionary!

Solution: HARRY has switched to DANRAD mode. This was included as an option in the unit due to popular demand. You may switch him back to HARRY POTTER mode at any time.

Problem: I hear hissing noises coming from HARRY and DRACO's room ALL THE TIME.

Solution: Clearly, your Draco has a Parseltongue kink. This isn't dangerous, but if you'd like them to stop, it might be helpful to remove all images of serpents from your home (and DRACO's body).

Problem: DRACO has donned his maid costume and is speaking with a French accent.

Solution:This is what is known as the Fifi malfunction. It affects nearly half of all DRACO units. There is no need to be concerned. Once HARRY has had his way with DRACO, they will put the costume away for a while.

Problem: HARRY has a bad case of broom burn, and Draco has started packing because he believes HARRY's been riding other wizards' brooms.

Solution: Give HARRY some healing ointment with strict instructions not to use it for anything other than applying to the affected area. Reassure DRACO that HARRY has not been riding anyone else's broom. Remind him that he is rich, gorgeous, and powerful, and not even HARRY is enough of an idiot to be unfaithful to him.

* DO NOT try and persuade DRACO to stay by promising him that you will ride his broom. More likely than not, this will cause him to leave even sooner.